The Weight He Carries
by Koalagriton
Summary: tmnt 2003 Leo/Raph Written for Leoraph Week 2017. Leonardo keeps many things to himself and they weigh on him a little more each day. He doesn't want to share the load but he might not have a choice.
1. Secrets

In the dim light of the dojo Leonardo stood, feet spread apart as he paused halfway through a kata. His limbs shook from the exertion and his vision was spotting. The rest of his family had gone to bed hours ago for some well needed rest after they'd returned from a failed mission, but he couldn't stop.

Everything had gone so wrong and he had no one but himself to blame. Leonardo had underestimated the Foot's numbers, miscalculated his brother's eagerness to engage the enemy after weeks of being underground and overlooked their restlessness that made a stealth-recon mission a bad idea to begin with. They'd gone in with little information and his plans had backfired almost immediately. They'd barely made it out alive.

Raph had fallen back to cover their retreat on his command after Mikey was hurt. As his two brothers disappeared into the safety of the sewers, Leo had turned around just in time to see a foot mech land a powerful strike, instantly knocking Raph out and launching his body backwards dozens of feet.

The wet crunch of the strike connecting and the way Raph's limp arms and legs flailed as he rolled across the ground before skidding to a stop and then not moving at all was burned into Leonardo's mind. He'd see flashes of it every time he stopped moving, hear that awful noise when there was nothing else to drown it out.

Leonardo began the kata again, his breath coming in ragged pants as he lifted his sword and began slicing the air. The movements he was making were sloppy and imprecise, he couldn't lift his arms all the way or stop the arcs to make the sharp cuts he was supposed to.

 _It's my fault. I put them in danger. I gave Raph the order. I did it. I did it. I did this to him._ He repeated in his head with every new step. It was louder than the sickening crunch even if the words wrapped themselves around his lungs and throat and made it difficult to breath.

Raph nearly died tonight because of his lack of foresight, his inability to read his brothers and his enemy, something a good leader should have been able to do.

Master Splinter said those words to him along with many others as Leonardo kneeled in his room, head bowed low in shame and self loathing.

At least Raphael had been conscious when he walked in the lair on his own two feet. If his father had seen how Leonardo had had to carry him most of the way, with help from Donatello to lower him down into the sewers, he was certain he wouldn't have gotten off with just a firm scolding. He'd been surprised at the lack of punishment, but perhaps Master Splinter was only waiting until he could come up with with a fitting form of discipline.

There was blood on his hands. Leonardo figured that once the repeated loop of Raph's injuries ceased, his brain would start with the way he'd dispatched those men. They'd been taught to preserve life but in order to do that you had to be very skilled. It was easier to take a life than spare it and still accomplish your mission.

He'd butchered them. The truth was he wasn't completely sure of how the fight had gone exactly. Usually he was able to replay his steps, recreate the fight in the dojo and see where he'd gone wrong and then repeat it over and over until he was too exhausted to continue. He vaguely remembered cutting through the men that converged on his brother and then blood spraying everywhere. Then he turned on the robotic armour, carving out the man inside.

After a swing with his blade that mimicked the way he had sliced through both metal and flesh, Leonardo swayed and his legs buckled under him. A sword clattered on the ground as he caught himself before falling over completely. He tried to even out his breathing but ended up grinding his teeth together and hissing through them, his hand on the mats curled tightly into a fist.

It was his weakness, his inadequacy that put them in this position again and again, that made him unable to handle the pressure, make the calls or accept the consequences of his actions. He felt like an impostor, posturing and pretending to be the level headed, skilled leader he was not but that his family needed from him.

As his breath levelled out he heard the crunch of Raph being pummelled and flung across the street again, the scrape of his body against concrete, the fast footsteps of the soldiers running towards him before his vision turned red and now, added to that was the scream of his victims as he cut them down one by one.

The stillness and quiet of the alley when no one was left and the satisfaction of vanquishing an enemy.

Leonardo's mouth twisted into a disgusted grimace. His head was so full of noise and revulsion he failed to notice anyone else in the room with him until a hand came down onto his shoulder, making him jump.

"Hey," Raph's gruff voice cut through Leo's thoughts and grounded him back in the present. "You ok? Your head hurtin'?"

Leonardo blinked and pulled his hands away from the sides of his head. He hadn't noticed he was doing that. "I'm fine." He lied easily.

"Yeah?" Raphael answered back as Leonardo stood up and went to retrieve his fallen swords. "Well you look like shit."

The insult made him pause his steps slightly before continuing his path. He was too tired to argue with Raph about his language. "You should be sleeping." He said instead.

"Can't sleep sitting upright, can't breathe lying down. You should be catching some zees yourself." Raphael shrugged and winced at the movement.

Broken ribs will do that to you, Leonardo knew. As long as Raph couldn't sleep he didn't think it fair that he should either. "Can't sleep." He lied again.

Bending over to pick up one of the fallen swords the room suddenly tilted and Leonardo swayed, correcting his footing to avoid falling over but the room just kept tilting. Before he toppled over, a solid presence was suddenly at his side holding him steady with a grunt.

Leonardo grimaced again at his show of weakness. His injured brother was holding him up when it should be the other way around. Leonardo tried to pull free but Raphael held onto him.

"Not until you're finished beating yourself up?" Raphael spoke to the side of his head as Leonardo looked away and squeezed his eyes closed.

A spray of red coloured his vision behind his eyelids, the severed limbs of his fallen enemies and their sightless eyes staring up at him as they waited for him to answer the question. He opened his eyes again and turned to look at Raphael's questioning amber gaze. For once it wasn't mocking or angry, only curious and maybe slightly worried.

 _If Master Splinter wasn't going to punish him for his shortcomings, he'd do it himself._ Leonardo didn't say out loud. Maybe then he'd be able to quash the guilt and shame he felt.

"I nearly got you killed." Leonardo finally whispered when Raphael just wouldn't let go. He ended up with his hands on Raph's arms in what was almost, but not quite a hug. Raph was holding onto him so he couldn't leave and he was just... holding back.

"I was the one who tried to stop a foot-mech with my face." Raphael answered with a grin. "This ain't your fault."

The words made the sequence start over in Leonardo's head: turning to see the impact, the crunch of plastron and bone and Raph's body flung across the street. He could already tell before he hit the ground that Raph was unconscious. Raph didn't break his fall and his arms and legs flailed like a rag doll's as he rolled and then skidded to a stop. His limp body didn't move. Even when he screamed his name.

A warm palm cradling the back of his head aborted the sob that was making its way to his throat and Leonardo let out a shaky breath instead. Raph was alive, the foot-mech hadn't killed him. He was here, holding him up when he should be resting, warm and strong and _breathing_. When had he pressed his face against Raph's shoulder? They weren't usually physically affectionate, Raph least of all, but Leonardo wasn't ready to let go yet.

"I ain't so easy to kill either." Raph continued, and this time Leo did let out a choked noise that made Raph rub the back of his head and cluck his tongue.

They stood like that for a while, in their _almost_ hug until Raph patted the back of Leo's head. "C'mon put away your swords and come watch a movie or something with me."

"I'm sweaty." Leonardo said to Raphael's shoulder making the darker turtle chuckle. Leo's forehead bounced against his skin with the movement.

"Yeah, and ya stink too." Raphael answered making Leonardo wrinkle his snout and turn his face away, breaking the calm spell that had fallen over them and finally letting go of each other. "C'mon that don't matter ta me. Just come sit with me."

Leonardo slowly picked up each sword and sheathed them, turning to find Raphael watching him expectantly. It wasn't often that his surly brother asked for his company. "Okay, go pick something out and I'll be right there."

Raphael left him alone as he put his swords and thoughts away, pressed them down deep into himself until he could continue to function and not fall apart like he almost did. He'd think about the faces of those he'd killed, of all the times someone he loved had fallen, of his failings and shortcomings and fears in secret. He'd continue to pretend to be strong and know what he was doing until he could actually become the person they needed him to be.


	2. Clear Skies

As the skies darkened, Leonardo ran at full tilt across the rooftops of the city. Normally he wouldn't be out so soon but there was little light with the oncoming storm and he was suffocating in the lair. Being out alone was also a bad idea, he'd scolded Raph for doing this very same thing before but he needed to escape everyone's questions and the looks they were giving him since training that morning.

Leonardo launched himself off a ledge without really calculating if he would make it to the next building, just jumping with all his strength. He managed to catch the edge of the building with his toes and came down into a roll across the roof. He was on his feet without stopping to catch his breath or even looking behind to see how close he'd come. He wasn't really worried about it, there were ways to stop his fall if it came to that and right now he just felt the need to run fast enough that he felt he was flying. The adrenaline and activity was giving his mind something else to focus on instead of what he was trying to leave behind him.

After their last failed mission they'd spent nearly a week without training, for rest and reflection, on Master Splinter's orders. Raph and Mikey needed the time to heal their wounds but Leonardo knew the reflection part was directed at him. Leonardo had come out of the battle practically unscathed, just a few cuts and bruises to add to the collection.

Leonardo spent most of his time in meditation. Some of it was directed by Master Splinter but most of it was done alone, erecting mental barriers to keep the intrusive memories at bay. He'd done it successfully many times before since his father had taught him the technique. It kept the dead bodies faceless, removed emotions from those actions and allowed him to do what needed to be done in the future without hesitation.

It wasn't working as intended.

He'd been fine while they stretched and practised katas but as soon as they began with weapons training and he'd taken the first swing at Mikey, something cracked inside of him. Leonardo blinked and he was in that dark street, his brother's body to one side and his sword slicing down through the air and into a man's shoulder, the wet sound of parting muscle and a snap as it cut cleanly through his clavicle. He'd had to put his weight on the blade for it to continue through ribs, the tip of the sword scraping roughly against the scapula until it was wedged in the man's chest.

With a foot against the soldier's abdomen he'd pulled his sword free, red spraying in an arch as the human gurgled. Leonardo watched in horror as his mouth filled with red liquid, staining his bared teeth, the man's face frozen in a terrified grimace. A fountain erupted from the deep slice once the blade was free, pulsing a couple times before he collapsed at Leonardo's feet.

By the time Leonardo had snapped out of his fugue-like state, his family was staring at him. He was panting harshly and his heart was beating wildly as his eyes darted around the room, his sword shaking in his unsteady hands. Donatello had taken a careful step towards him with a question on his lips when Leo failed to compose himself but Master Splinter cut him off and announced the end of the session.

The mental barriers hadn't stayed in place even with Master Splinter's help.

Something had broken inside of him and he was losing the careful balance he relied on to function. It was like the trickle of a cracked damn and he was falling apart no matter how hard he tried to contain it.

A flash of lightning tore across the sky and as if the following crack of thunder had opened up the clouds, it started to rain. Icy droplets pelted against his skin, stinging and making his teeth chatter. It probably wasn't all from the cold water, some of it had to do with the fading adrenaline he was relying on when he slowed his pace to account for the loss of traction.

Taking a moment to look around he realised he was near the Brooklyn Bridge. He'd picked a direction at random and had been steadily travelling south. He remembered fighting on this very bridge, back when things had started getting complicated. He'd defeated the Daimyo's son here in a death-match. Leonardo's father had showered him with praise and affection that night, enough that in his elation he hadn't bothered to press Master Splinter about the reasons why he'd kept this part of his life a secret from them. And didn't think about how he'd been forced to either fight in a duel to the death against a stranger or to forfeit his family's lives.

Before he knew what he was doing he was climbing up the wires to the top of one of the towers where he'd fought. Where he'd won. Maybe he was chasing that feeling of conquest and pride. He might just be looking for that additional exertion to keep his mind on the steady ascent and the next slippery handhold on the wet wire instead of the images in his head. The deafening sound of the pouring rain and occasional claps of thunder also helped to drown out the echoing screams and noises of slaughter.

By the time he reached the top and ran out of places to go, his mind was back to the things he wanted to avoid.

Leonardo perched himself on the ledge and looked down as he forced his mind to recall. He'd fallen during that duel. He'd also clawed his way back up and claimed victory. Why couldn't he claw back this time?

"Pull yourself back together," he ordered in a low voice.

He'd left the lair when Donatello tried talking to him about veteran soldiers coming back from the war, a worried and fidgety Michelangelo in the background. He was using that careful, gentle tone of voice he used when he was trying to tell you something was a terrible idea without hurting your feelings. He hated being the target of that tone but Leonardo _had_ been jumpy and distracted all week. Very unlike himself. And then with the disastrous training session... no wonder they were worried.

 _I can't afford to fall apart,_ he thought to himself.

Last time he'd fallen apart he was sent away on the other side of the globe and while he was grateful for the extra training and the peace of mind it brought, his family had nearly been destroyed in his absence. He didn't want to have to leave them again. He didn't think he could do it and preserve his sanity. He didn't want to be sent away to be fixed.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!" He yelled at the sky as a streak of lightning illuminated it. When the thunder began rumbling, his question became a senseless scream of fury and frustration and fear.

His scream ended in a surprised yelp as he was dragged off the ledge.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Raphael's unmistakable, gravelly voice hollered in his ear as they fell back with a thump, sitting down a ways from the edge.

Still partially stunned by the turn of events, Leonardo sat with his back against the stronger turtle for a few seconds and said the first thing that came to his mind. "You shouldn't be out here, you're still injured."

"WHAT?!" Raphael said after another few seconds of silence.

"I said-"

"I heard what you said!" Raphael interrupted.

It was then that Leonardo noticed he was pinned against his brother. Raphael had his arms around him and locked firmly in place, trapping Leonardo's arms against his sides.

When he tried to get up and Raph wouldn't let him, Leonardo began to struggle. "Raph! What!? Let go!"

"So you can take a swan dive into the East River?" Raphael angrily snapped back. "No way in Hell. We're fine right here until you talk to me."

Leonardo stopped struggling while he digested those words. Then he began struggling in earnest.

"What?! No! You've got it wrong! That's not what I-"

"Wrong answer." Raphael tightened his hold. "Stop squirming! We ain't leaving here until you start talking and you can bet I'm not past using the emergency signal to get Donnie and Mikey over here to haul you back to the lair."

"Just let me explain! It's not what you think! I was just going for a run to clear my head." Leonardo couldn't believe what Raphael was implying.

"Like Hell that's what _that_ was!" Raphael yelled at him. "I thought you knew I was following you but you didn't even look back once. You were _tryin'_ to get yourself killed out there!"

This conversation wasn't going anywhere with Raph. Leonardo managed to twist a hand up enough to pinch a pressure point under one of Raph's arms. After a colourful curse from his brother, Leonardo sprung free but he was grappled to the ground in a couple steps. At this distance, even with a numb arm, Raphael had the upper hand. They were face-to-face this time, Raph using his weight and larger size to pin Leo carapace-down under him.

"That's not what it was! I would never do something like that! Raph, just listen!" Leo half pleaded, half ordered.

"Don't think I can't see it Leo! We _all_ see it!" Raphael shouted in his face. "I might not be as smart as Donnie but I ain't stupid. I know there's something wrong you haven't told us. There has been for a long time and it keeps getting worse. Tell me I'm wrong!"

Leonardo finally stilled. Raphael sounded angry, he always sounded angry but when he took a moment to look at him he looked... terrified. His amber eyes looked wet and too wide, and even though he was pinning Leo, his whole body was shaking and it wasn't from the cold. It had stopped raining a while ago and Raphael's skin felt dry and warm.

"I know I ain't your first choice for this but... talk to me," Raphael begged.

Leonardo shook his head and turned away. "There's nothing..."

"Did seeing me get hurt mess you up this bad? Was it me?" Raphael asked and as soon as the words were out of his mouth Leonardo froze.

They weren't on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. They were in a dark street. Raph's body was face-down on the concrete in a pool of blood and he couldn't tell if it was mostly his or belonged to the dying and dead foot soldiers around them. But his brother wasn't moving and he was too frightened for a handful of seconds to check if he was still breathing, if there was a pulse. After the frenzy of blood and violence and the urgent need to eradicate the ones who would hurt Raphael, there was nothing.

Only silence.

"-okay. It's okay. Leo, stop, it's okay. I'm right here." Raphael's voice tuned out the deafening silence of the street in his mind and Leonardo blinked to find himself breathing frantically under his brother.

"I can't... I can't!" Leonardo panted and his struggling became frenetic. He wasn't even thinking about how to get loose, being pinned down was just making the already impossible task of breathing in and out that much harder.

Raphael must have noticed he wasn't helping because he let him up, though he kept a grip on him as Leonardo scrambled to his feet. He needed to escape, to keep running and try leave the nightmare behind. He couldn't let Raph see him undone like this. "I need to... I can't... I-"

Instead of letting him go, Raphael pulled him closer and held him in a firm but gentle hug. "I'm right here, Leo. I ain't going nowhere. I'm right here. They didn't get me. I'm not leaving you."

Rather than trying to escape, Leonardo clung to Raphael and his words. He let out a choked sob that was half relief and half pain because he wasn't... He hadn't been okay. Raph had been a body on the floor, face down in a pool of blood and he'd almost lost him because he'd used him as a shield and it had nearly cost him his life.

"I can't..." Leonardo sobbed against his brother's neck. "Raph, I'm sorry."

"Shhh, it's okay. I got ya. It's okay. I love you Leo, I love you so much... I ain't going nowhere." Raphael answered quietly.

They struggled a bit more, this time because Leonardo couldn't get close enough even if he was already gripping Raphael tightly to him. He could only press his face to Raph's neck to feel the strong, quick pulse of his heartbeat against his snout.

Raphael shifted against him and then he was covering Leo's mouth with his own, pressing their lips together in a brief kiss that made any thoughts in Leo's head dissipate with the unexpected move.

Leonardo opened his eyes to find Raphael's uncertain amber gaze searching his own. He was frozen in place, not sure of what he should be doing but still not ready to let go even if Raph was slowly moving in to kiss him again.

Raph's lips felt feverish as they brushed tentatively against his own. Leonardo briefly thought about pushing him away but his mind was filled with Raphael. Raphael who was in his arms, warm and strong and _alive_ and he couldn't let go, if only to convince himself that it was true.

The skies had cleared as they made their way home, Leonardo could see the crescent moon between the remaining clouds and before he stepped into the sewers he breathed the stormy air deeply. They ran back to the lair at a leisurely pace, taking their time and in silence. Leonardo hadn't spoken except to tell Raph they should go home.

He wasn't sure what that kiss meant, what it had changed, if it had changed anything at all. Leonardo only knew that his mind was free of those memories and filled with thoughts of Raph. Of Raph telling him he wasn't leaving, that he was okay and he loved him. For now, that was all that mattered and he held on to those thoughts fiercely.


End file.
